Casual

in

Like a lot of people, and reportedly the majority of men, I'm a very visual person when it comes to that which arouses me.

I have a finely tuned appreciation of the lines and arcs of human anatomy, especially those of the female form. The curve of an ass, the taper of a calf, the swell of a breast, the slope of a nape and the depth of an eye are all things that will make me swoon; they will make me taste desire as viscerally as a meal after a fast.

Yet all of that falls flat in comparison to the too rare treat of forging a connection with a partner's mind, of finding a pathway to a hidden part of their soul.

This is the source of real beauty in the world - the source of magic. It is what I yearn for.

It is the meaning, the endgame, the point of every journey. It is the price of admission into my heart.

It is what has been lacking for too long.

Instead, my interactions of late have been casual. Sure, I'll tie you up, spank you, kiss you, hold you hard and add a spark of passion to the world, but it's just not the same. It's not that furnace of life essence that I'm looking for - that I crave.

Don't for a moment think that I haven't enjoyed these nights. I have forged connections, though perhaps only in the moment. I have made and grown friendships, I have pushed boundaries. I have had a great time, and I have no intention of changing that.

However, there is still the nagging need, the compulsion to seek something more, and the seemingly inevitable backslide into patterns of impatience and frustration - that burning desire to stop practicing and just let the game begin.

These patterns are the ones of my youth, the things that made me question every nuance of every interaction. What did she mean by that? Could this one be the one? Could these three together sate my need? These five? Those ten?

Have I been damned to wander the earth, casually engaging in behaviors that would have made a younger me stare into the mirror, mouth agape in excitement and horror, and yet never finding the real passion - the real connection that pours life into my essence?

If I never feel it again, what will I have become by the time I stop searching?

Will I stop searching?

For now, I will practice. I will be casual. I will have a good time, and I will wait for that connection, that kiss - that nearly indescribable kiss that makes my heart dance and my soul breathe ragged.

And when - not if, but when - that happens to me again: game on.